someone threw a dead crab at me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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