I heard we made out
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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