When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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