so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
