I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
