Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize