im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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