You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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