I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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