i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
