well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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