So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
