The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
