If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
