At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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