Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I need moral support for this bender
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The struggles of a small town man whore
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
