update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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