listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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