There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
