My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize