roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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