My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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