Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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