I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
