I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
