I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
