I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
