I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
