my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
