the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
