I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We just shotgunned beers for America
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
