I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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