I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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