I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
