please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
