Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
