Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
