I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
