according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
