Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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