I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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