Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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