just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
