we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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