if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
