You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
