I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
