Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
