does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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