In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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