That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
