she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
