i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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