OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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