let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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