is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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