i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
