Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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